Six pack abs, a bronzed tan, a totally ripped body -- he’s a spornosexual. It’s the new thing for guys. Some, anyway. Having the body everyone loves and envies, that he loves more than anyone. Those extended long looks, at various angles, admiring his seductive reflection in the mirror.
In the 1990’s a guy by the name of Mark Simpson coined the term “Metrosexual,” a man who was fastidious in appearance, fragrance and all manner of style. Mark Simpson has come up with the new term, “Spornosexual,” a man with well-defined muscles and well-defined obsessions. Remember Carly Simon’s old hit, “You’re So Vain?” Yes, the spornosexual probably thinks all songs are about him, and he can’t take his eyes off himself.
“They’re just totally in to the picture,” therapist Mary Jo Rapini explains to KTRH News. “It’s about promoting their masculinity. I was thinking, wow, these guys feel really weak in their masculinity.”
But certainly not weak in self-confidence. Ryan Wendt owns Metroflex Gym in Houston, and says he knows some these guys. According to Wendt, what allows them to have these amazingly sculpted bodies are the array of supplements, drinks, diets, training and competitions that widen the pool for more and more men to join in.
Wendt describes spornosexuals as men who are “just trying more ways and means to make a better version of themselves.”
Where some regard spornosexuals as being narcissistic, Wendt see men who are goal oriented.
“It’s an activity that you can be as involved in as you want, and it’s not so much that you’re trying to project to anyone that you’re better than they are, it’s simply a project. It’s a living work of art. I was an artist before I was a bodybuilder, and I’ve been competing for 18 years,” Wendt says.
Are you a Spornosexual? Take this quiz.
1.You’re logging into Facebook to…
A) ...post a picture of you having dinner with friends. You look amazing in it but that’s by-the-by.
B) ...keep up to date with news from friends and family. Your cousin’s just had a baby - maybe a picture will be up?
C) …check how many ‘likes’ your gym selfie has got. Your guns are looking huge in this one, but so far only 149 people have left positive comments. Is it your hair that’s the problem?
2. You’re switching on the TV to watch…
A) ...the football. Footballers always seem to be one step ahead of the latest grooming trends.
B) …the football. You’d never miss one of your team’s games.
C) ...Geordie Shore. When you’re not looking at you, you want to be looking at people like you.
3. If you were a comic book character you would be...
A) Batman. You may or may not be in a gay relationship with your sidekick but that’s not really the point. You also have a basement stuffed with sweet gadgets.
B) Superman. Save the day, get the girl.
C) The Incredible Hulk. Because bigger is always better.
4. It’s a big night out. What’s your poison?
A) Red wine. There was a period when it would have been cocaine too, but
A) Red wine. There was a period when it would have been cocaine too, but the ethical implications worried you - not to mention what it did to your skin.
B) Real ale.
C) Double vodka Red Bull. You’re always getting offered MDMA in clubs but you’re not sure how it will react with the steroids you’re taking.
5. Time for party small talk with another man. Your first question
A) This is Prada, right? I’ve been trying to track one down in cobalt blue for ages.
B) Did you catch the game last night?
C) Bro, do you lift?
6. Time to approach a woman at a party. Your opener is...
A) A woman in an A-line dress should never be standing by herself.
B) Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got "fine" written all over you.
C) My mate’s up for a threesome. You in?
7. It’s the morning after the night before. What do you eat?
A) Ottolenghi’s Middle Eastern take on Full English - a simple twist on a classic.
B) Full English, what else?
C) Full English with 18 eggs, 20 rashers of bacon and no bread. This machine runs on protein.
8. How would you describe your relationship with porn?
A) You watch it a couple of times a week but understand it doesn’t have much bearing on reality.
B) Strained now that Nuts has folded.
C) You’ve uploaded a couple of videos of you and the girlfriend to amateur sites but should really try professional soon.
9. Let’s talk t-shirts. V-neck or crew neck?
A) If your face is long, you'll try to offset this with a plain crew neck - and vice-versa if your face is round.
B) You don’t talk t-shirts.
C) V-neck - the deeper the better.
10. Which of these best describes your approach to life?
A) Always look out for number one.
B) Hope for the best, expect the worst.
C) Sun’s out - guns out.
Mostly As - You are a metrosexual. While your appearance and interest in grooming products may have attracted comment in the early naughties, you’ve now been surpassed by the spornosexual. Try upping your weights at the gym or, if that fails, taking steroids.
Mostly Bs - You are a 20th century male. You don’t read men’s lifestyle magazines so you probably have no idea how outdated you really are but, if this quiz has raised any concerns, try borrowing some moisturizer from a metrosexual friend/colleague before attempting to go full sporno.
Mostly Cs - You are a spornosexual. Congratulations - you are an outstanding specimen of masculinity, though opinions may differ in what sense you are outstanding.